You’re comforting your child after a hard day when it hits you…No one did this for me.
You’re glad your child can come to you. Still, it hurts to realize how much you needed that same comfort growing up. Sometimes the sadness comes later, once they’ve gone back to playing and you’re left thinking about it.
Parenting can bring up old losses, including things you didn’t know you were grieving. Maybe you needed someone to believe you or notice that you were struggling. Maybe mistakes weren’t safe to make.
Loving your family now doesn’t erase what you needed then.
Why is this coming up now?
Caring for a child gives you a close look at needs you may have learned to dismiss in yourself. Something as ordinary as listening without getting angry can leave you wondering why no one offered you the same.
Your child reaches a certain age, and you remember yourself at that age. You notice how young they are. How much help they still need. It may change how you understand what happened to you.
And knowing your child has it better doesn’t always feel good. You can be grateful for their experience and still wish someone had cared for you that way.
What can you do with the grief?
Start with what you’re missing. “I needed someone to comfort me when I was scared” gives you something more concrete to work with than “I need to heal my childhood.”
You might talk with someone you trust, write about it, or bring it into therapy. You don’t need to sort out all your feelings about your parents before you can talk about what hurt.
If your child notices you’re upset, a brief explanation may be enough. “I’m feeling sad today. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to fix it.” You can be honest without sharing details they aren’t ready to carry.
When grief spills into parenting
Sometimes the feelings are hard to put aside. You might find yourself snapping, withdrawing, or struggling to stay present when your child needs you.
Pay attention to when that happens. Does a particular age, behavior, or situation bring something back? A therapist can help you make sense of those moments and find ways to respond when you’re overwhelmed.
Your own needs deserve attention, too, even when there’s a child asking for a snack in the middle of it. For more on how childhood trauma can affect parenting, read Parenting With CPTSD.
*General education, not individualized advice
