How your childhood attachment affects your current relationships

Have you been experiencing a certain pattern in your relationships lately? As much as you would like to blame your current life problems for it, the real culprit here is likely the attachment style you developed in your childhood.  Let’s have a look at how attachments from childhood can shape your current relationships: 

What is Attachment? 

The simplistic definition of attachment is: 

“A feeling of love or a strong connection to something or someone” 

Another definition for attachment bond or attachment is: 

“The emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver - most likely your mother” 

The pioneers of attachment theory, British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth laid out a principle which says: 

“The quality of attachment or bonding a person experiences during his first relationship is the determinant of how you respond to intimacy and relate to other people throughout your life.”

What are Different Attachment Styles? 

There are four different attachment styles and each one shapes your relationships in a different way altogether.  Have a look: 

• Secure Attachment 

• Anxious Attachment 

• Avoidant Attachment 

• Disorganized Attachment 

What is the Effect of Attachment styles on Adult Relationships? 

Many may not know this but there is a genuine connection between adult relationships and attachment bonds developed in your early childhood. Here is what it looks like: 

Secure Attachment: People who have secure attachments with their caregivers tend to be empathetic and set proper boundaries in their relationships. They do not fear being themselves and hence allow the other person in the relationship to be their authentic selves too. 

Anxious Attachment: People who had an anxious or ambivalent attachment bond at the start are often  over-needy in their relationships. They are anxious and can lack self-esteem to a great extent. They tend to look for emotional intimacy in the relationship. 

Avoidant Attachment: An exact opposite of anxious attachment, people with avoidant attachment are wary of closeness and intimacy. They avoid emotional attachments and do not like relying on others and vice versa. 

Disorganized Attachment: This kind of attachment comes from extreme fearful experiences that result from some neglect, trauma or abuse. Those having disorganized attachments can have a negative image of themselves that makes them think they do not deserve closeness or love. 

Final Verdict: 

There could be signs within your current relationship patterns which indicate an attachment bond was impaired in your childhood. This doesn’t mean you are bad or defective but it is something you can change. It takes practice in committing to your own self work, but I believe once you know your own self, you can learn to reshape how you show up for yourself and for others.